The Cougar MRAP rumbles to a stop.  The trailing dust cloud washes over the vehicle temporarily obscuring the outside world to us.  The AC is broken and the group stuffed into the armored behemoth is sweating profusely, you can see it soaking through the sleeves and collars of our uniforms.  Underneath our vest is worse.  I feel it dripping down the back of my pants, not a pleasant feeling.

The gunner is the only one spared, he sits with his head out of the vehicle, a dangerous job, but at least you’re cooler.  The one and half hour drive to this location was along a rocky, rutted, “road”; jolting us violently with every foot we move.  The Cougars were designed for the paved roads of Iraq not the rock sewn trails of Afghanistan.  I’m confident I’ll survive an IED but my back and kidneys may be destroyed by safety.

The purpose for us coming here is a shura an afghan term for gathering or meeting.  This shura is honor of opening two schools in the area.  Much has been made of the supposed destruction wrought by US forces in the towns and villages but very little is ever said about the good that’s been done.

Just in our operational area we’ve built four schools, numerous wells, water retention walls and various other projects.  We’ve also treated over 700 cases in 9 months. 

Today though we’ve come for the opening of the schools.  We dismount from the vehicles, get security set and head to shura.  As I walk across the field I see the school white washed and pristine.  A snowball sitting in the brown dirt of the valley and its partner sits about 4 kilometers to the west; easily visible due to the contrast.  Part of me wonder if that’s such a good idea as I’m positive it can be seen from the Pakistani mountains 5 k to the east.  Easily within range of rockets.

We enter the school and meet the local elders.  The elders are the staples of the community.  We meet them in order of age and precedence.  In the beginning I didn’t realize this but I’ve now become aware of the rigid hierarchy these introductions follow.  I shake hands with about 20 older looking men. 

Older looking is the correct term here.  My internal American age estimator isn’t calibrated for Afghanistan.  Several times I’ve met people I thought were 60 years plus and it turns out they were my age 39. It’s a hard knock life here.

Post introductions we tour the school.  Entering each classroom and seeing the desks, books, pens and pencils.  There’s a small select group of students here, large gatherings are discouraged for security reasons.  The ACM often IED them or use suicide bombers.  The reverence with which the Afghans treat the school is amazing.

The small group reaches the final room where sitting mats are spread on the concrete floor shaped in a U.  It’s packed with the ubiquitous flies found everywhere in Afghanistan and smells of diesel the fuel used to cut the paint.  If you have a weak stomach Afghanistan is not the place for you.

 I’m placed at the head with the oldest elder.  What many Americans fail to realize is that just by being an American soldier you’re honored and revered, that’s why any form of disrespect is such a crushing blow to the Afghans.  The men you thought could do no wrong have now insulted you, that’s hard to take for anyone.

We sit down and the senior elder begins to speak.  The speaking order is very important too. You speak in the order of your importance.  Generally, I’m given the second position.  At the beginning of my tour I usually spoke toward the end or at the end. 

Now, here’s a little more insight to American vs Afghan ways.  Afghans are verbose and like to talk; I mean they really like to talk.  So a shura can go for a long time.  You’re expected to speak even if you feel that everything’s been said.  In America we strive for short concise meetings.  In Afghanistan it’s as if the sheer amount of talking wills the things to happen.  The more talking the more likely it will happen.

Conversations and meetings in the US are a single thread going from point to point.  In Afghanistan it’s a woven rug with muted tones, subtle patterns and held together with an intricate base layer.  The pattern you may see in the rug may not be what you think.

Obviously, I don’t speak Pashto so I’ve got to have an interpreter.  My preferred method is to have my terp sit next to me and translate in a low voice what being said as they say it.  Some prefer to have breaks where the terp translates.  I find my method keeps the flow going and makes it more like an actual conversation.   I can then participate more actively with gestures and facial expressions.

The groups talks for a long while, drinking chai and then we adjourn to another room for lunch.  As I come into the room, I’m hit with dread.  It’s covered in flies as is the food.  One of my no shit rules is that I NEVER refuse any food or drink given to me by an Afghan.  It’s insulting to them.  So, I’m going to have to eat.

I do and pay for it two days later with violent vomiting and diarrhea that makes a claymore mine seem like a fire cracker.  10 lbs and 6 bags of IV fluid later I’ll be fine and my relationship with the elders is intact.  A small price to pay to good relations.

After lunch we pose for pictures.  Again this is a hierarchy, the most important elders get their picture taken with me first.  Yes, all of the pictures have me in them.  You would think I was the President of the US and not just some dumb ground pounder.  They all want a picture with me.  This goes on for about 20 minutes and I’m quickly smiled out.

The final event is the students male and female singing the Afghan National Anthem.  A touching moment.  About 100 girls go to this school every day.  A far cry from the Taliban days.  The elders are very happy about this fact but are concerned that the ACM will try to stop the trend.

We shake more hands and start to move back to our vehicles.  I reach my vehicle and prepare for the back pounding patrol back to our FOB.  The time bomb of the chow ticking in my stomach but a good day in the history of the Bermel valley.   

An update to the status of OPERATION: VAMPIRE PINK.  We now have a pink ladies version of the T-shirt, along with ACU Sand and black.  So, go out to the Ranger Up site and pick one up showing your pride for those that supported you or those that you proudly support.  You deserve it and it supports a great cause!

Plus , strike a stunning blow;  taking the color pink back from those nut jobs that tried to kick the Marines out of Berkley.  Nothing says back off like a pissed off pink Vampire with a blazing M249!  Not to mention the booger eaters offense to sexy motivated women!

Please keep sending the permalink out or copy it into an email and shoot it to everyone in your address book, we can use all the help we can get!   

How does one say “Thank You” for such an incredible debt owed?

This is a post that I’ve struggled to write many times during my deployment and each time it seems that I’ve failed.  At the end I’m always left with the feeling that I didn’t quite describe their hardship, give them their true credit or convey our true gratitude.  I’ll try; but am afraid I shall fail them.

I’m talking about the women that stand guard at home, support us, encourage us and reinforce that fighting spirit that sustains us.  Our wives, mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, volunteers and so many other wonderful and strong women that I can’t even begin to name.

Not just our team but each and every soldier, marine, sailor or airman that deploys to Afghanistan or Iraq, for that matter any conflict.  A huge burden is being carried by those that fight but do not go to combat.

Thank you, for being the ones that deal with the mess once we leave. We’re trained well to fight.  But there is no Field Manual that describes how to explain to a young child that their father isn’t going to be home for a long time or in the worst case may never come home.  You do it with such grace and poise.

Thank you, for being patient and waiting.  Enduring the pain of waiting to hear from us wondering if the worst has occurred when we’re late calling or emailing and enduring our complete lack of understanding at your frustration and fear when we are late. “We came back late from patrol”; just doesn’t validate that fear.  Your patience is epic.

Thank you, for being the ones that hold us fast to reality and help put us back together when we return.  You hold us tight and tell us things will be Ok when the rockets and gunfire have gone but the war has not left us.  Your strength is what protects the warrior.

Thank you, for accomplishing all the things that we fail to acknowledge.  Fixing broken sprinklers, taking kids to school, paying bills and the myriad of other things that are required to sustain life at home.  You do so much and get so little from us many times.

Thank you for being the volunteer that says, “Welcome Home” in the middle of the night ensuring that no one comes home to silence and being their when we leave to say “Come Home Safe”.  You inspire us with your selfless service.

Finally, thank you for being you.  For serving in a war you did not volunteer for and keeping us strong, sane and secure.  We and the rest of the country owe you a huge debt that can never be repaid, the best we can hope for is to understand your journey, listen and learn from you.

From the bottom of our hearts, Team VAMPIRE and every other serving member says “THANK YOU”!

And to my wife and mother; I could not have done all of this without you.  You are the truest warriors I know, pure of heart, strong in determination and unwavering in faith.  I have a lot to learn from your examples!

Once again I reach the end of this post and I think I’ve come so very short of expressing our gratitude.  This is the 12^th time I written this post. 

In tribute to all of the strong and wonderful women that support the fighting force we’ve joined together with Ranger Up to stage OPERATION:VAMPIRE PINK to raise money for breast cancer research.  We designed a new shirt which you can see below and $5 from each sale is donated to the Susan G. Kommen Foundation.

 It has the female Vampire on the back. Yes, she's bad ass because you're bad ass! We all know you always cover our back and the front is just politically incorrect enough.  We don’t collect a dime for this.

It’s a very small way to say “Thanks” for everything you do.  So please buy one in tribute to those that have supported every warrior! 

Please pass these links along to whomever you wish, I see enough chain emails going around and this one can do so much good in the name of those that have given so much!

Memorial Day 2009 will be one that I remember for the rest of my life.  By my own admission I’ve not treated Memorial Day with the appropriate gravitas.  Like many Americans, I’m embarrassed to say, I understood why we celebrated it but failed to completely embrace it.  It tended to be another day off to barbeque and spend time at home. 

It is humbling to stand in a war zone and see your country’s flag flown at half mast in honor of those that have made the ultimate sacrifice on her behalf.  I think back to others in my family that glimpsed a similar site.  My father in Vietnam, with the Sky Soldiers, and his father before him with the Tough Hombres at Normandy; I’m just the next in line to pick up the family trade; the profession of arms.

This year is different though.  I lost one of my soldiers several nights ago during a mortar attack.  He wasn’t an American but he was no less a patriot and no less my soldier.  He was a Sergeant in the Afghan National Army.  He’ll have to remain nameless as those that wished to do his country harm will still attempt to reach out and harm his family even after his passing.

In a country where so many chose to sit on the sideline, to wait and critique he chose to pick up arms and insure that his country would not be ruled by a despot or religious fanaticism.  He fought to guarantee a better future for his fellow citizens.

He chose a life of hardship and danger.  Serving beside the best equipped and trained military in the world; while he fought to the best of his ability with what his country supplied him.  His spirit and his determination moving him forward into battle. 

His sacrifices will not be forgotten.  Yesterday we had his memorial service; much different than what we have for US soldiers.  We gathered behind the mosque; we being ANA, ETT and the CF Company here.  The death of one soldier no matter the country is memorialized by all.  ACM bullets, rockets and mortars do not differentiate between US and Afghan.

The mullah sang several suras from the Koran and the Kandak Commander spoke about the important choices each had made to defend their country.  Not that much different from what a US Commander would say.  Even through my interpreter I understood the meaning, “Don’t let your brother die in vain, keep up the fight.”

After this we departed and the Kandak entered the mosque to pray and remember their brother.  That it was Memorial Day in the US made it all the more poignant.  As I walked back across the FOB my boots stirred up the chalky Afghan soil that has absorbed so much Afghan and American blood.

Some reading this may wonder why I’ve chosen to write about an Afghan on Memorial Day.  When there are so many great Americans to be remembered.  I see no difference between my dead ANA soldier and Americans, if I could; I would have made him an honorary American citizen there on the spot.  He embodied what we believe in, the fight for what is right.

So, this Memorial Day and those forward will be much different.  I’ll remember those who’ve sacrificed for my country and celebrate their lives, but I’ll also remember a lone Afghan sergeant who perished in a distant corner of the world.  In hope that one day his country will be free from tyranny and evil.  

"I hired you to do a job, not your best!"

                                                 Dagny - Atlas Shrugged
 

As we sit on the back porch of our hooch the afternoon wind begins to pick up, blowing the ultra fine dust of Afghanistan around.  Little parting gifts for each of us, driven into our ears, nose and eyes.  The brutal daily heat gives way to a strong wind in the afternoon. 

Use a hairdryer and sandpaper on your face and you’ll get the general feeling.  I think to myself there must be some way to package this little piece of torture and sell it to spas back home in California.  I’m convinced that somebody will buy it; it’s too stupid not to have someone believe it’s good for them.

The little group sitting here seems beaten into submission and the wind is the final sadistic stroke delivered unto us.  It’s been several days since we were notified about our upcoming replacement by another team.  Any sane person would think this is great news, finally we will go home.  Right now it seems the worst news we’ve ever heard.  We sit here waiting; for what we’re not sure.

As the Afghan sand peals away the top layer of skin, it happens.  Metamorphosis. It happens fairly quickly.  This is why Americans are dangerous; they fail to see when they should give up.  

“OK, so this is what we’ve got and we need to come up with a course of action.  We can quit or we can do something.  I say we do something.”  I state to CPT Brain and MSG Famine

“ROGER” they both answer. And we’re off to see the wizard.

My tactical career has always really been shaped by two guiding tenants.  First, if you’re about to lose then change the rules and second if you’re going into a fair fight you’ve done something wrong.  Now, we’re about to change the rules.

Our course of action needs to set the conditions; allowing the follow -on unit to be successful.  Shift the level of advising from the Kandak level to the Company/ Platoon level maximizing the strengths and assets available.  We’ll still be left without someone to mentor the Kandak Staff and Kandak Commander but we need to keep the fight up and continue to advance the ANA.

The wind and its gritty passengers now push us on.  No longer is the peeling a torture but cleansing, revealing a new opportunity.  If fate closes a door, then blow hole in the wall with detcord; screw waiting for the window to open.    

The three of us along with our coalition partner begin brainstorming.  We put together a plan that’s scalable, repeatable and sustainable.  It will hinge upon more than just ETTs but the ability of the CF to assist even further in the development and execution of operations.   

As the final layers peel away, we’re left with a concept we think we can work with.  I can’t really elaborate on the plan as this goes into tactics, techniques and procedures (TTPs) which are verboten in blogs.  That’s like giving the playbook to the other team.

The evening sets in and the wind begins to slow, with the dissipation of the heat.  The sun sets over the mountains in Pakistan and calm rests upon the desert floor.  An orange light is cast across the landscape almost pleasant, a harbinger of the next day.  Maybe not a harbinger of ill events but a seizure of events.  A choice to act before being acted upon. 

After this we began putting the plan into action.  As with anything here it’s done with little baby steps.  The first steps were halting and at times mind splittingly frustrating but it’s shaping up nicely.  Only when the new team arrives will we know the true result and then it will be theirs to carry on.  It looks very promising though; there will be some backward steps as always.  But that’s the nature of advising. 

Sometimes your advising skills have to compensate for decisions of your own Army.

By the way anyone up for an “Afghan Cleansing Wind Treatment”?  Look for it coming soon to a spa near you!  I know somebody is going to buy this, I just know it!

I’ll keep you posted.

There are some good points to being in Afghanistan; at times their pretty difficult to identify but at others their fairly simple to see.  I’ll give you some examples.

As we stand in knee deep stinking Afghan Ass mud; with our 14 ton vehicle stuck up to its marker lights.  MSG Famine turns to me and says, “Hey Sir, think how great this is for our skin”.  Positive time which is hard to identify.

Here’s another one.  The team is burying a $4 million dollar helicopter.  Yes, you read that right burying a $4 million dollar helicopter.  If you want; you can email me and I’ll send you the grid and you can go dig it up.  There’s not much left of it after we destroyed it with a backhoe, but it’s there. You can’t make this stuff up!

Well anyway, SSG Ditka on loan from the VAMPIRE 16 element, looks at me and says, “Damn Sir, this is awesome we could start a treasure hunt now.  Kind of like the movie It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.”  Another great moment in Afghanistan, hard to ID.  Oh yeah, I may have missed a Mad in there so please forgive me.

But some of them are pretty easy.  Such as Toby Keith coming to visit us and becoming an honorary VAMPIRE.  Which just happened!

We heard a rumor that he was coming and like all good forward deployed soldiers; we doubted it was true and developed several scenarios where we would get screwed out of it.  The last USO visit we had Leann Tweeden came to visit us and we were promptly rocketed by the Taliban shortening her visit to about 20 minutes.   We still owe the booger eaters for that one and will settle up sometime in the future.

I digress though.  Toby Keith did make it here and it was awesome.  The VAMPIRE 06 ACTUAL, my awesome wife, is a huge Toby Keith fan and I like his music but after this I’ll be a huge fan forever.  A great American in deed and words. 

Our FOB isn’t huge by any means and he flew down here met with all the soldiers, sang an acoustic set and then walked around to the guard towers to talk to the guys that couldn’t come because they were on duty.  That is a great moment even I can ID.

So we presented him with a genuine VAMPIRE t-shirt from Vision Strikewear and he’s now an honorary VAMPIRE.  After we explained what our unit motto meant, “Let them hate, as long as they fear” he asked where he could get some more of them.  We also explained our fund raiser for Soldiers Angels and he liked it even more.

                                                                   "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue"

I have this delusion that the next Toby Keith video will have a VAMPIRE t-shirt in it.  You never know!  

How’s your train up for Afghanistan going? 

Not so hot? 

Pretty good? 

Wonder what equipment you should take?    

Well, four of us from the blog world have banded together to establish a new blog called Afghan Lessons Learned to answer those questions for you.  Bouhammer, Bill and Bob’s Excellent Afghan Adventure, War on Terror News and I want to help get you that information. 

After discussing the issue the four of us agreed that there wasn’t a site accessible to everyone with the information needed to prepare for Afghanistan.  We also all agreed that some of what the Army is teaching is just pure and utter BS. 

Like telling people not to drink Chai, what the…? 

Thus, A.L.L. came into being.  We want to make this a one stop shop for open source info on culture, equipment, COIN, FOB reviews and anything else we can think of or you think you may need.  The rest of the guys have been here and had very successful tours and I’m still here, so we have plenty of info.

All of us are senior NCOs or officers and we’ll give you the no BS answer to your questions as long as it doesn’t violate OPSEC.

So, if you’re deploying to Afghanistan or know someone who is please pass the site along to them.

Good luck, good hunting and VAMPIRE!

Due to our OPTEMPO I’ve been remiss in putting up posts or in following current events.  Upon our return to the FOB from the last mission the whole DHS memo was brought to my attention and I also saw from the mil bloggers circle that it was burning up the internet. 

My opinions on the memo are mine and so I’ll hold them back, however I was interested to find out through a lowly placed source at DHS that there was an addendum to the memo citing several other groups as possible threats to the United States of America.  

I took at as my civil duty to petition through the 1972 Freedom from Stupidity Act for the release of this memo and here it is for your review. 

______________  CERTAIN ITEMS REDACTED DUE TO NATIONAL SECURITY CONCERNS_____________

ADDENDUM TO NATIONAL THREAT MEMORANDUM

SUB:  ADDITIONAL GROUPS POSING THREATS

After identifying Afghan and Iraq War Veterans as a likely right wing threat group; this committee conducted further investigations in an attempt to deter looming threats to the United States Government.  This addendum cites these groups and the reasoning for assigning the label as extremists.

GROUP 1-  WORLD WAR I VETERANS.  After our successful liaison with the Department of Veterans Affairs regarding Afghanistan and Iraq we conducted a deeper investigation into possible threats emanating from this sector of the population.  An unnamed source was questioned regarding other veteran groups.  When questioned about WWI veterans the source stated, “Most of them are underground at this point”.  This was an alarming statement indicating that much of this population is actively conducting covert actions and attempting to prevent detection by this department.  Additionally, the source stated this is also occurring at an alarming rate with WWII Veterans.  Thus, we recommend that immediate surveillance be started on this group too.  Their attempts to drop from the “grid” could be a precursor to extremist activity.

GROUP 2- SPECIAL OLYMPICS.  Of primary concern within the Iraq and Afghan Veterans was a subset coming from the Special Operations Community.  Due to their training in unconventional warfare and access to advanced weaponry.   The National Security Agency assisted this committee in attempting to identify groups with similar backgrounds.  The Special Olympics fits this profile.  The word “special” implies a higher level of training.  We reviewed covert surveillance footage of this group and indeed they are specially trained; many of them running faster, demonstrating strength and exceptional resilience beyond what anyone on this committee possessed.  A recommendation that they be assigned a Category One threat level is warranted.

GROUP 3-  MIMES and CLOWNS. These groups really don’t seem to be much of a threat but the committee’s consensus is that they’re creepy and should be monitored as a possible silent threat and the use of balloon animals as IEDs is very real.

GROUP 4-  SANTA’S ELVES.  The labeling of the Earth Liberation Front (ELF) as a domestic terrorist cell triggered an investigation into possible training and support structures.  The National Reconnaissance Office identified a possible training base located near the North Pole.  The fact that this group identifies itself openly as elves substantiates concerns that they are staging for an attack on or about the 25^th of December.  The use of stealth technology code named “REINDEER” is a possible means of delivery for violence to American households.  Of greater concern to DHS is the fact that a source within this group stated, “We have a list of children who are naughty and nice”.  This indicates they are actively developing target packages aimed heinously at small children.  NORAD has been informed of our findings and instructed to engage this target with deadly force.

FINAL RECCOMENDATION:  All of these groups should be monitored for possible extremist activity and placed on federal watch lists.  In addition we recommend that an immediate public relations campaign be started touting the actions of groups such as the Taliban and Al Qaeda in defending America by keeping radical veterans of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq pinned down in those theaters and not letting them come home.  Possible public service announcements from Mullah Omar, Osama bin Laden would serve to show their exemplary work.  An offshoot of this PR campaign would be announcements by Kim Jong Il telling how he keeps veterans occupied in South Korea.

Leveraging the PR campaign and the monitoring of these additional groups will greatly increase the security of the United States Government.

Guns, Girls and Democracy.  Those are three things that seem to piss the Taliban off more than anything else.   And those three things about sum up the average American ground pounder.  Yes, you should probably throw in booze but that would ruin my post, so just ignore that.

Guns, we’ve got tons of them in about any caliber you could want.  There’s artillery, 2000 lbs bombs, small arms, you name we’ve got it.  This is Charlton Heston’s wet dream.  A gun for everybody and permission to use it as you see fit.  Muggings on the FOB are non-existent and I attribute that to the fact that everyone has a gun.  The Taliban hates the fact that we have more and better guns than he does. Sorry, Bro you picked the wrong side!

Democracy, the booger eaters are deathly afraid of the fact that if given the chance people will vote their asses out of here faster than a chow thief in Mountain Phase, check with your local Ranger for that last reference.  So we’re working on democracy here but it’s going slowly.

Girls, we don’t have any here and neither does the Taliban.  My hypothesis is that the whole suicide bomber thing is linked to sexual repression and their fear of women.  We on the other hand love women and we’ll shoot as many Taliban as possible so we can get back home to them.  Alas, though no women.

So what can we do to combine our three favorite things and our enemies least favorite, striking a death blow to the enemies to all that is great in America?

In ride the guys from Ranger Up with an ingenious scheme.  A scheme so bold, so brash and downright awesome we couldn’t help but sign on.  The Ranger Up Girl Contest.  Clausewitz himself couldn’t have thought of a better plan.  Proof that American ingenuity will win the day!

They explained that we could be celebrity judges for the contest and look at beautiful women without having stalking charges or a restraining order filed against us.  Many of us here were skeptical about the restraining order thing but Ranger Up assured us we were covered.

And with that we were in.

In addition you as readers can vote.  Click on the link below taking you to the contest and you’ll see that these women have to be avid supporters of the military. Another benefit is that by visiting through this link you’ve also been granted immunity from stalking accusations or prosecution.

You ladies out there need to vote too, this is representative government we’re putting our lives on the line for here.  So, yeah YOU TOO!

RANGER UP GIRL CONTEST

Now before you get too outraged about this, if you’re going to email me about how this is a terrible objectification of women.  Don’t.  I think I’ve adequately shown through my past history that I don’t care much for political correctness.  Also, my wife knows what I’m doing and she fully supports it, don’t try that tactic.  So give it a rest; put down your Yohoo; stop eating your cheetos and get out in public.  You’ll be OK trust me, if not, start reading the Taliban blogs instead.  You can see great ones at asskickedbyUS.com, or try, ieatboogers.com

So we’ve got the guns, Ranger Up has supplied the girls and you now get to exercise the right given to you by millions of troops; over the last 200 and something years.  Hit the link and vote for your favorite and strike a blow against the Taliban.  It’s your duty!