I Shoot You Because I Care!
Dear Mr Taliban (ACM,
AAF, Booger Eater, EOP, Bad Guy or whatever),
Over time I’ve
received emails and comments on this blog that I’m insensitive to your
culture. Evidently, I should endeavor to
be more tolerant and politically correct in my quest to kill you with every
means at my disposal.
After much self
reflection I’ve seen the error in my ways and thought I’d write you a brief
note to apologize for my actions and those of my compatriots in Team
Vampire. I now see how my attempts to
incinerate, ventilate and generally cause mayhem could possible hurt your
feelings and offend your sensibilities.
For that I apologize.
First, let me
complement you on the bunker complex that we saw the other day. It seemed very nice and looked like you’d
chosen wisely on the size. It appears to
me that you didn’t overextend yourself financially building it. That’s great! I also hope that you didn’t use
a subprime lender or an adjustable rate mortgage. This should alleviate any issues in the
future about defaulting; having to walk away from the bunker complex.
The downside is that
you selected this outstanding piece of real estate to launch rockets at
American and Afghan soldiers. Thus, I
had to destroy it. Maybe we should have
served you with a notice to vacate but that didn’t seem prudent at the
time. Really if you want to blame
someone it should be the Air Force as they’re the ones that actually dropped
the bombs. But, seeing as I’m a personal
accountability guy I’ll take the blame for it.
Sorry.
I also, thought that
your headquarters were nice. Blowing it
up on Christmas Eve may have seemed arbitrary and unfair. I can see how you’d think that. Really, let’s try to be honest with each
other. Is there really a good day to
have your building blown up? I don’t
think there is. I also now realize that
you don’t celebrate Christmas so the holiday season had minimal impact on
you.
It did for me as I
have a family at home who I’d rather be with; instead hunting you through the
mountains. However, I’m here so it
seemed like a good thing to do for the holidays. I may not see you on the 4th of
July so I thought it best to have fireworks for Christmas. I empathize with you now that it may have
been inconvenient for you. Once again
sorry.
These people have
pointed out for me that my culture is different from yours and that just
because it’s different it’s not bad. I
guess there may be some upside to throwing acid in little girl’s faces when
they try to go to school, I just don’t see it though. I think I’d prefer to build schools for them
and protect them as they learn to read and write. This probably offends you and my new life course
shows me that I need to see the positives in everyone. If you’d like to explain this to me, I’d like
to hear it.
It also may be
confusing to you when I broke down your door in the middle of the night and
arrested you for killing your fellow countrymen. This probably disrupts your sleep and thus
you’re tired once you reach detention.
In the future I’ll try to schedule these at times better suited to your
rest cycle.
As far as the Geneva
Convention goes, I have to follow it.
This is nonnegotiable. Your
actions though lead me to believe that you’d prefer to have your head cut off
on the internet. This is what you do to
anyone you capture, combatant or non combatant.
I can’t accommodate this desire.
I apologize for the fact that you’ll be given medical treatment and
treated with dignity. Again I apologize
profusely.
I’d also like to
clear up some reasons why I’m here.
There may be some confusion about this from all the claims swirling
around in the news. Let me take you back
about eight years when you were letting Osama chill out here.
“We should crash some
planes into the World Trade Center” Osama suggested tentatively
“Gee Osama, won’t
that piss off the Americans”? You must
have asked.
“Yes” Osama stated
with glee.
“They’ll probably
come here and jack us up” you replied.
“No way bro, they’ll
never come here and do anything to us” Osama claimed confidentially.
“Um; I don’t think
that’s right, they’ll probably come here and be pretty pissed off” attempting
to dissuade him.
“Don’t worry about it
they’ll never do anything, you’re a nervous nelly” OBL replied dismissively
I hate to tell you
this but you were right. It did piss us
off and now Osama lives in some cave, can’t use a cell phone or email and craps
his pants every time he hears an airplane.
I know the nervous tick crapping is annoying but it’ll clear up once we
kill him.
You should have gone
with your gut and said no. Once we got
here we decided it’s not that great that you kill and subjugate people and thus
you’ve got me in your backyard. I really
can’t take responsibility for your poor judgment on this one. But, I understand it was a persuasive
discussion. Thought this might assist
in a little self discovery. I’m a giver
after all.
I won’t even go into
the way you treat women. You’re just
lucky it’s not my wife here because if you think I’m determined; she would lay
waste to your ass and never stop. So, I
did you a favor on that one. See, I can
be nice.
Well, I just wanted
to touch base with you on a couple of perceived issues and apologize for my
poor behavior. In the future I’ll try to
be more understanding as I hunt you to the ends of the earth and destroy you
any chance I get. It will be with
kindness and understanding.
If you’d like to
discuss and resolve any of these issues just send me a grid to your location
and I’ll be happy to meet you; or I could arrange for a delivery from the US
Air Force it you’d prefer that. I can
accommodate most requests.
So, have a great day.
But don’t sleep too soundly because that noise you hear in the night may just
be me. Oh yeah, if you ever get tired of
picking on little girls or civilians you can come find us, but that might not
be culturally sensitive.
Bottom line, I just
want to say I’m sorry. Next time I shoot
at you; it’s with love!
Sincerely,
VAMPIRE 06
That's excellent! I had just graduated from college with a major in history and minor in anthropology when I deployed to Afghanistan in 06, all full of excitement to learn a new culture and meet new folks. And, in fairness, I did meet a *few* Afghans I thought were good people.
And lots that I think the world won't miss. I know I didn't.
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All your posts have been outstanding, Vampire, but this is the best, by far! I just LOVE sarcasm when it speaks to the truth!! Wish you could be back in the US reporting and commenting on the current shenanigans in Congress! Stay safe!!
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Ah... The snark is stong with this one, but dead on the money! Excellent post Sir!
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Culturally insensitive? Who could say such a thing about you and Team Vampire?
This was such a heart felt missive. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...hopefully will do the same for the intended recipients.
I hope that you will hand deliver thousands of these letters to your temporary neighbors. Gives a personal touch that couldn't be achieved through the mail system. Oh wait, they don't have one, do they? They prefer 'night letters'. Their version of the 'Pony Express, I guess. Wishing you all success in intercepting those riders brave enough to be out and about delivering them. Carry on...
Y'all take care out there!
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Outstanding letter, it got me just a little bit weepy. I CAN feel the love!
Go get them Bro, and give them some from me.
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You are doing very well with your rendition of the American spirit. We have suffered much and been criticized by many. It matters not what those. who challenge our way of thinking on the subject, feel. What matters is that we teach those who have wronged us, and others, that crime does not pay, as the wars the United States enters are wars against humanity.
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No need to worry your country will apologize for you:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123741378746277081.html
"One day just minding my own business in a cave in Afghanistan roasting rat meat waiting to kill infidels, the next on a resort in the worker's paradise of Cuba getting fat on 5,000 calories a day and great medical care courtesy of Uncle Sap, then the glory of citizenship in the land of the infidels, where their toilet paper of a constitution will protect me while I plan to kill them!"
I understand the irony but NEVER WASTE YOUR TIME WORRYING OR APOLOGIZING FOR WHAT YOU ARE DOING THERE. Stay safe my brother.
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Outstanding! Culturally insensitive, my ass.
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Way to go Vampire 6. I keep up with your blogs, altho I don't understand most of it. I read them and am a very proud grandmother of SSG Chris Henry.
God Bless all of you. We support you guys all the way.
Alice and Jack Campbell
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Vampire06 - I always look forward to reading your posts! Thank God for milbloggers, or we would have even less of an idea wth was actually going on. Hope y'all are all well this week. Did you EVER start receiving mail??
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Fantastic post! I love the way you meet your critics with sarcasm... take care of yourself and keep up the good work
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Keep doing the good work, Sir. Future generations of Afghans and Americans depend on your success and your defense of their right to disagree. It is brave to welcome dissent and will help us build a more perfect Union.
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Vampire 6,
Please give the Taliban a huge heaping helping of "cultural sensistivity" for me. After all, we all know how sensitive they are. When I was there, there was one time they only cut off the ears and noses of some Afghan drivers for simply driving coalition supplies and trying to make a buck to support their family instead of cutting their heads off. That's sensitive,isn't it?
Keep giving them all the sensitivity they can handle and then some!
Stay low and shoot straight!
Former Rogue 3 from O-E
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Vampire, you are so much more understanding than am I. Please deliver your 4th of July fireworks to the Talib/AQ/HIG/Haqqani with my greetings.
Please understand, that I can not send my love to them. It is without emotion that I send my accomodations of their desire for death.
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Damn good post my man. Thanks for defending my freedom.
Joe
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You know I'd love it!! Female Infidel
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How sweet! Spread some of that love around for us, cuz you know we all have that warm fuzzy feeling, however the message is delivered.
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I am SHOCKED. Shocked, I tell you! You mean that you are not the the marauding rambos hyped on steroids that the msm tells us you all are? I had NO idea the US military is soooooooooooo culturally sensitive. *gasp* /sarc
In case your readers were concerned....lol
Keep up the good work there - this alien infidel (but kinda well known in Angel circles.lol) keeps you ALL in my prayers.. Thank you for ALL you do.
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Hey Vamp 6! Thanks for the politically correct note to the bad guys. That was hilarious! It's a shame some people just don't get what you're doing over there. My deepest appreciation to you. My many letters, faxes, phone calls will be going out soon to our briliant (not) representatives in Washington regarding our wounded military having to pay for treatment. The biggest verbal boot in the ass will be reserved for Mr. President - shame on him! Despicable. I will be a warrior for this cause - this crap just can't happen.
Best to you, Vamp6 - you're in my prayers every day. Will be ordering t-shirt on pay day too!!
God Bless Ya! Mary Kay/Navy Mom Aptos, Ca.
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Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
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I like Beth's comment!
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The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 03/20/2009 News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front.
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hahaha...Takin sarcasm to a fine art.Great post.You guys keep up the good work (and send some Care and Concern for me..)
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HA! Love the irony. Please, please, please keep writing such fantastic entries!
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HA! Love the irony. Please, please, please keep writing such fantastic entries!
Random: I don't know if you've ever heard of Jeff Dunham, the comedian. He's a ventriloquist (strange, but it's actually hilarious) and he has a character named Achmed the Dead Terrorist. This reminds me of it. You should check him out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go
Hilarious.
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This is fabulous!!!
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OUTSTANDING
DE OPPRESSO LIBER!
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I really really like this post! Please pass on the love from my daughters and me.
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Just for the record, I can confirm that the Air Force has been culturally sensitive in both OEF and OIF - we are certain that each JDAM is free of pork products before it leaves the bomb dump.
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Excellent!
I'm offended that they are culturally insensitive toward our love of fireworks.
Thank you for your service and for serving when asked, in most unforgiving terrain.
Thank you for providing an opportunity for girls to get an education...without acid being thrown on them.
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Thought this was cool submitted it to TRANSPARENTVOICES.COM
Hopefully they'll post it for others to read!
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You are playing in my old back yard! I spent '67-68 there, from Peshawar to Kandahar, playing ROMAD with the 5th ASF Group. Wonderful place. Wish I were back there with you, though I doubt I could hump the ruck we had then. Them are HILLS! (we couldn't shoot back, then!) Never met an Afghan that lied. (bet you can't say that now!) Also never met a Pak who told the truth (and that obviously hasn't changed)
God Bless, Good Luck, and Shoot Straight
Remember, if you kill 'em all, God may NOT sort them out, but you oughta give Him the chance! And for the yahoos that want to meet Allah, why would giving them a little help be bad?
Paul Andreasen, TSgt, USAF (Ret)
ROMAD, 601 DASS (601 ASOC)
CCT, 1278 APS
ROMAD Laison, 7th SOS
(There's no such thing as an Ex-ROMAD)
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Excellent post. Thanks for doing what you do and telling the world about it.
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Vampire 06,
Would you object to me incorporating this post into our next round of Consideration of Others (COO) training?
--Renegade 07
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Oh yeah, I needed this today!
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As I mentioned before, i am new to your site and am just getting a chance to read a bit here and there; but this is one awesome piece!!! In fact, as I gently wiped a soft silicone cloth across my Barrett, I got all misted up at the obviously sincere and heartfelt emotion that you put into this note.
It inspired me to maybe even create a new bumper sticker :
Kill the Bastards With Love!
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Ok - truth laced with sarcasm - wow, what an awesome post!
Thank you for your service, and thank you for being culturally insenstive enough to serve!
Keep up the good work!!
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Having been exposed to sensitivity training growing up with a father and uncles that were at Pearl Harbor and then the retaking of the Pacific Islands, and then going thru VN myself, I am presently at 62 in Afghanistan in support of the Army (I got Marines next door, and Im ex Navy).......and I feel ur pain. I long for the time when I could reach out and touch others. The 9mm just dosent do it for me. My happiness warm gun is the 45 and Rem 1100 w/00 buck shot. It makes me feel so ..loving and I just wanna met others to show my love. u really understand the sensitivity it requires to be able to interact with respect to those who have none. I never fired a weapon in anger....I always seemed to have a smile on my face, according others around me. I know it gave me a warm feeling when it was over.
Keep ur head moving and ur ass down. Remember elbows and assholes are only good for cleaning not spreading the love.
In support of all of u.
Sont u love it?? misunderstoodasshole
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Having been exposed to sensitivity training growing up with a father and uncles that were at Pearl Harbor and then the retaking of the Pacific Islands, and then going thru VN myself, I am presently at 62 in Afghanistan in support of the Army (I got Marines next door, and Im ex Navy).......and I feel ur pain. I long for the time when I could reach out and touch others. The 9mm just dosent do it for me. My happiness warm gun is the 45 and Rem 1100 w/00 buck shot. It makes me feel so ..loving and I just wanna met others to show my love. u really understand the sensitivity it requires to be able to interact with respect to those who have none. I never fired a weapon in anger....I always seemed to have a smile on my face, according others around me. I know it gave me a warm feeling when it was over.
Keep ur head moving and ur ass down. Remember elbows and assholes are only good for cleaning not spreading the love.
In support of all of u.
Sont u love it?? misunderstoodasshole
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