The Looming Threat
Due to our OPTEMPO I’ve been remiss in putting up posts or in following current events. Upon our return to the FOB from the last mission the whole DHS memo was brought to my attention and I also saw from the mil bloggers circle that it was burning up the internet.
My opinions on the memo are mine and so I’ll hold them back, however I was interested to find out through a lowly placed source at DHS that there was an addendum to the memo citing several other groups as possible threats to the United States of America.
I took at as my civil duty to petition through the 1972 Freedom from Stupidity Act for the release of this memo and here it is for your review.
______________ CERTAIN ITEMS REDACTED DUE TO NATIONAL SECURITY CONCERNS_____________
ADDENDUM TO NATIONAL THREAT MEMORANDUM
SUB: ADDITIONAL GROUPS POSING THREATS
After identifying Afghan and Iraq War Veterans as a likely right wing threat group; this committee conducted further investigations in an attempt to deter looming threats to the United States Government. This addendum cites these groups and the reasoning for assigning the label as extremists.
GROUP 1- WORLD WAR I VETERANS. After our successful liaison with the Department of Veterans Affairs regarding Afghanistan and Iraq we conducted a deeper investigation into possible threats emanating from this sector of the population. An unnamed source was questioned regarding other veteran groups. When questioned about WWI veterans the source stated, “Most of them are underground at this point”. This was an alarming statement indicating that much of this population is actively conducting covert actions and attempting to prevent detection by this department. Additionally, the source stated this is also occurring at an alarming rate with WWII Veterans. Thus, we recommend that immediate surveillance be started on this group too. Their attempts to drop from the “grid” could be a precursor to extremist activity.
GROUP 2- SPECIAL OLYMPICS. Of primary concern within the Iraq and Afghan Veterans was a subset coming from the Special Operations Community. Due to their training in unconventional warfare and access to advanced weaponry. The National Security Agency assisted this committee in attempting to identify groups with similar backgrounds. The Special Olympics fits this profile. The word “special” implies a higher level of training. We reviewed covert surveillance footage of this group and indeed they are specially trained; many of them running faster, demonstrating strength and exceptional resilience beyond what anyone on this committee possessed. A recommendation that they be assigned a Category One threat level is warranted.
GROUP 3- MIMES and CLOWNS. These groups really don’t seem to be much of a threat but the committee’s consensus is that they’re creepy and should be monitored as a possible silent threat and the use of balloon animals as IEDs is very real.
GROUP 4- SANTA’S ELVES. The labeling of the Earth Liberation Front (ELF) as a domestic terrorist cell triggered an investigation into possible training and support structures. The National Reconnaissance Office identified a possible training base located near the North Pole. The fact that this group identifies itself openly as elves substantiates concerns that they are staging for an attack on or about the 25th of December. The use of stealth technology code named “REINDEER” is a possible means of delivery for violence to American households. Of greater concern to DHS is the fact that a source within this group stated, “We have a list of children who are naughty and nice”. This indicates they are actively developing target packages aimed heinously at small children. NORAD has been informed of our findings and instructed to engage this target with deadly force.
FINAL RECCOMENDATION: All of these groups should be monitored for possible extremist activity and placed on federal watch lists. In addition we recommend that an immediate public relations campaign be started touting the actions of groups such as the Taliban and Al Qaeda in defending America by keeping radical veterans of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq pinned down in those theaters and not letting them come home. Possible public service announcements from Mullah Omar, Osama bin Laden would serve to show their exemplary work. An offshoot of this PR campaign would be announcements by Kim Jong Il telling how he keeps veterans occupied in South Korea.
Leveraging the PR campaign and the monitoring of these additional groups will greatly increase the security of the United States Government.
You almost GOT me there!! LOL great sense of humor!!
Reply to this
I know its meant as a joke, but I could so see an actual memo like that being released. In the corner of the sandbox we've changed the Army motto to "stupid starts here". Your DHS Memo fits in perfect.
Thanks for the blog, its good for the morale over here
Reply to this
niiiice...you made me laugh out loud! at my desk! at work!
Reply to this
Damn, brother.
But I share your anger.
John
Reply to this
You are one very funny dude. Very clever and fitting our government that you are helping in this manner to keep us safe. Nurses have been identified as well as we have access to biological weapons and lethal doses of drugs. They are watching us too. Thanks for your work and keep safe. lorraine
Reply to this
That's cold. I think the memo was about some vets, not all vets. It happened in 'Nam, it happened in Desert Storm, who says it can't happen this time.
Seriously. The Romans had a system. They'd encamp the returning armies at the city gates. People in town could see their loved ones, but discipline kept the guys in ranks. Then generals would hand out medals, Politicians would hand out, well, you know what the got lots of, and the priests would hand out absolution.
Then, and ONLY then would the troops be allowed to parade into the city. Short-timing and jet lag screwed that all up today. You can blow a guys face off, and be home by supper. So, you might well guess some guys don't make such a smooth transition.
And just like the Nam, it only took a couple of freaked out guys to make the news. Next thing ya know, we're all freaked out baby killah's. Funny, except for the burning shame and resentment at being dipped in that bull$hit, I hardly felt a thing. Nothing has changed about that bul$hit. You'll get your turn in the barrel.
I'm telling you this straight because I believe you're a handler, 11B, class 1A. Some folks will just see you that way. But it'll be their insides they're telling you about. They just use you as a projection screen.
Reply to this
Interesting string of words you just spilled out. They were just as ridiculus as the BS we hear everyday. I know you are just trying to add humor to your otherwise not so mundane life. It reminds me of something I read today. On Obama's trip to Cuba, he was given a book, which has been referred to as the 'idiot's bible.' The statements in the book, that were made by a certain individual, have been proven as untrue.
Reply to this
Surprised not to find Vampires on the list. Hope you're doing well my brother. I think I'm overdue for sending you a care package, drop me an e-mail if you are ready for a resupply. Let me know if the address is still good.
Stay safe and keep the powder dry. God speed.
Semper Fi, Hank
Reply to this
Your post is hilarious. The scariest part is knowing that DHS is focusing on us while real terrorists act are now known as man made disasters.
Reply to this
Feeling a bit frisky today, ain'tcha?
Good post. Keep your head down.
Reply to this
"GROUP 2- SPECIAL OLYMPICS"
Hmmm ... Special Olympics Group or ... SOG ... yes be very afraid you DHS morons.
Reply to this
I've been reading your posts for a while and this has to to be one of the best!! Well said, indeed!!
BTW, my boyfriend is an IRR recall and is set to link up w/the 1/221 Cav from the Nevada National Guard. Take care and keep safe!
Reply to this
Excellent post, Vamp6!! VERY FUNNY!!! I'm glad I'm in good company with clowns, reindeer, elves & Santa!!! (I think I saw some of them at the last Tea Party). God Bless Ya!!
Mary Kay Zaineb
Proud Navy Mom
Aptos, Ca.
Reply to this
But, but it was just an error in releasing the DHS Report and besides, it was the BUSH administration's fault. I'm glad those twits at DHS released the report, at least they're out in the open on what they think about Iraq & Afghan war veterans.
Awesome satire sir.
Reply to this
Sad part is, you're NOT far from the truth... sigh... Keep up the good work Six!
Reply to this
Finally, a green light to go stomp clowns and mimes.
Reply to this
I would say this funny. But dealing with those stupid idiots in DHS is not funny. DHS is well on its way to becoming the American Gestapo.
Reply to this
I had forgotten all about the durned harlequins, old buddy. They're real sneaky... excellent at noise discipline, and they've got that invisible box armor and the horizontal contrast camouflage. So scary. So I'm trading in my buffalo gun for a mime rifle.
This memo needs the widest possible dissemination and pronto! Americans have a right to know about the threats of man-made disasters, dagnabbit!
Thank goodness the government is looking out for our safety.
Hold on... I think I just heard a clown horn outside... probably them radicals from Abu Marceau or Hominahominahominahamas.
Reply to this
The only part of this that is unbelievable is that they could get your FOIA request delivered out to FOB East Bumfuq in record time.
Reply to this
once again, where did this writing ability to come from..TOO FUNNY
Reply to this
I LOVE your sense of humor!!!!!
Reply to this
lol. As a "scary anarchist" kind of guy who actually knows some "elves", thanx.
From a serious pov: There is a certain marked difference between torching a SUV when you are 17 and suicidebombing marketplaces. The expansion of the terrorist definition is counterproductive.
Reply to this