Due to our OPTEMPO I’ve been remiss in putting up posts or in following current events.  Upon our return to the FOB from the last mission the whole DHS memo was brought to my attention and I also saw from the mil bloggers circle that it was burning up the internet. 

My opinions on the memo are mine and so I’ll hold them back, however I was interested to find out through a lowly placed source at DHS that there was an addendum to the memo citing several other groups as possible threats to the United States of America.  

I took at as my civil duty to petition through the 1972 Freedom from Stupidity Act for the release of this memo and here it is for your review. 

______________  CERTAIN ITEMS REDACTED DUE TO NATIONAL SECURITY CONCERNS_____________

ADDENDUM TO NATIONAL THREAT MEMORANDUM

SUB:  ADDITIONAL GROUPS POSING THREATS

After identifying Afghan and Iraq War Veterans as a likely right wing threat group; this committee conducted further investigations in an attempt to deter looming threats to the United States Government.  This addendum cites these groups and the reasoning for assigning the label as extremists.

GROUP 1-  WORLD WAR I VETERANS.  After our successful liaison with the Department of Veterans Affairs regarding Afghanistan and Iraq we conducted a deeper investigation into possible threats emanating from this sector of the population.  An unnamed source was questioned regarding other veteran groups.  When questioned about WWI veterans the source stated, “Most of them are underground at this point”.  This was an alarming statement indicating that much of this population is actively conducting covert actions and attempting to prevent detection by this department.  Additionally, the source stated this is also occurring at an alarming rate with WWII Veterans.  Thus, we recommend that immediate surveillance be started on this group too.  Their attempts to drop from the “grid” could be a precursor to extremist activity.

GROUP 2- SPECIAL OLYMPICS.  Of primary concern within the Iraq and Afghan Veterans was a subset coming from the Special Operations Community.  Due to their training in unconventional warfare and access to advanced weaponry.   The National Security Agency assisted this committee in attempting to identify groups with similar backgrounds.  The Special Olympics fits this profile.  The word “special” implies a higher level of training.  We reviewed covert surveillance footage of this group and indeed they are specially trained; many of them running faster, demonstrating strength and exceptional resilience beyond what anyone on this committee possessed.  A recommendation that they be assigned a Category One threat level is warranted.

GROUP 3-  MIMES and CLOWNS. These groups really don’t seem to be much of a threat but the committee’s consensus is that they’re creepy and should be monitored as a possible silent threat and the use of balloon animals as IEDs is very real.

GROUP 4-  SANTA’S ELVES.  The labeling of the Earth Liberation Front (ELF) as a domestic terrorist cell triggered an investigation into possible training and support structures.  The National Reconnaissance Office identified a possible training base located near the North Pole.  The fact that this group identifies itself openly as elves substantiates concerns that they are staging for an attack on or about the 25^th of December.  The use of stealth technology code named “REINDEER” is a possible means of delivery for violence to American households.  Of greater concern to DHS is the fact that a source within this group stated, “We have a list of children who are naughty and nice”.  This indicates they are actively developing target packages aimed heinously at small children.  NORAD has been informed of our findings and instructed to engage this target with deadly force.

FINAL RECCOMENDATION:  All of these groups should be monitored for possible extremist activity and placed on federal watch lists.  In addition we recommend that an immediate public relations campaign be started touting the actions of groups such as the Taliban and Al Qaeda in defending America by keeping radical veterans of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq pinned down in those theaters and not letting them come home.  Possible public service announcements from Mullah Omar, Osama bin Laden would serve to show their exemplary work.  An offshoot of this PR campaign would be announcements by Kim Jong Il telling how he keeps veterans occupied in South Korea.

Leveraging the PR campaign and the monitoring of these additional groups will greatly increase the security of the United States Government.

The white flash splits the Afghan night and I see the world in reverse color for several moments.  Then the concussion hits me and I feel it through chest into my heart and lungs.  KARUMPH! 

Our little cabal is huddled in the lee of a high ridge doing our best to avoid an enactment of Kipling’s on Afghanistan’s plains.  An airstrike just crushed the ridgeline beyond the one currently giving us shelter.  Our ridge rises above us and perched on top like Masada is a Combat Outpost (COP) occupied by US soldiers.

Three of us are kneeling around a map our ACHs touching; actually putting our heads together to stave off the enemy.  Pools of red, green and blue light spill from our headlamps lighting the map in a mosaic of color.  Two armored vehicles are parked to our front, their doors standing open and red light oozing from them.  The radios they contain barking and hissing information.

Double, double, toil and trouble.  The three of us plot our next move, sorcerers of deaths construction.  A mist coats everything; hopefully something else is coating the ground to our east.  Circling overhead like sharks waiting for their next meal are the aircraft. 

The COP reports to us that they’re seeing movement farther along the ridge to the south.  The next iteration begins.   But much to our dismay the squad leader in the sky has intervened.

Now we’re forced to relay through several bases back to the aircraft circling over our heads because of guidance from higher.  Whoever decided this was a good idea can probably barely recognize their own name two out of three times.  The situation now stands that we have enemy, immediately to our east firing rockets at us and the headquarters miles to our north has now decided they can control the fight better than us.  At this moment I’m unsure who is trying harder to kill me.  This isn’t the first time it’s happened.

Suddenly another KARUMPH!  The headquarters isn’t even bothering to notify us now when the aircraft release ordnance.    This is F#$%ing unbelievable!  To shed a little light on what’s occurring imagine this scenario.

You’re trying to guide your buddy to park the car in a specific spot in the parking lot.  You can see him and the lot and he sees you and the lot.  Now, instead of you just telling him where to park you have to get on the phone call someone thirty miles away and tell them, who then relays to your buddy.  By the way all the guy thirty miles away can see is through a camera phone mounted on the hood of the car.  Hell, I can barely make sense of what I just wrote much less guide 500 lbs bombs on target in this manner. 

I can envision how this went down.

“Sir, what do you think of controlling the close air support for all troops in contact”, Major Crackdemon  ask

General Ego a highly egotistical guy who always preaches about empowering his subordinates says “Um, I think that sounds fine, but why”?

“Well Sir, if we don’t what’re  we going to write on our awards forms and OERs” MAJ Crackdemon replies

“That’s a superb point MAJ CrackDemon, I hadn’t thought of that” GEN Ego exclaims

Now, SFC Commonsense interjects “But Sir, does that make sense that we should control a fight miles away “?

“Hell yes it does, the Army obviously wanted ME to be the best Company Commander in Afghanistan, in fact with these new cameras I can probably even be a squad leader”  GEN Ego shouts .

SFC Commonsense doesn’t give up easily, “Sir , then what are all those officers and NCOs down there going to be doing”?

“Well, somebody has to go out there and get shot at so I can bring the aircraft in”.  GEN Ego wanders off to admire himself in the mirror and thank God that they gave him all this great technology.  Hell a year from now he might not even need soldiers.

I’m jerked from my reverie by the smash of artillery and more airstrikes, none of which has been coordinated through us on the ground.  It’s on autopilot now. We’re bystanders gawking at the lightshow that was our previously self orchestrated defense.   We’ll sit here the rest of night slowly getting wet in the mist, wondering if the enemy is coming and we don’t know. 

Something is rotten in the State of Denmark!

Guns, Girls and Democracy.  Those are three things that seem to piss the Taliban off more than anything else.   And those three things about sum up the average American ground pounder.  Yes, you should probably throw in booze but that would ruin my post, so just ignore that.

Guns, we’ve got tons of them in about any caliber you could want.  There’s artillery, 2000 lbs bombs, small arms, you name we’ve got it.  This is Charlton Heston’s wet dream.  A gun for everybody and permission to use it as you see fit.  Muggings on the FOB are non-existent and I attribute that to the fact that everyone has a gun.  The Taliban hates the fact that we have more and better guns than he does. Sorry, Bro you picked the wrong side!

Democracy, the booger eaters are deathly afraid of the fact that if given the chance people will vote their asses out of here faster than a chow thief in Mountain Phase, check with your local Ranger for that last reference.  So we’re working on democracy here but it’s going slowly.

Girls, we don’t have any here and neither does the Taliban.  My hypothesis is that the whole suicide bomber thing is linked to sexual repression and their fear of women.  We on the other hand love women and we’ll shoot as many Taliban as possible so we can get back home to them.  Alas, though no women.

So what can we do to combine our three favorite things and our enemies least favorite, striking a death blow to the enemies to all that is great in America?

In ride the guys from Ranger Up with an ingenious scheme.  A scheme so bold, so brash and downright awesome we couldn’t help but sign on.  The Ranger Up Girl Contest.  Clausewitz himself couldn’t have thought of a better plan.  Proof that American ingenuity will win the day!

They explained that we could be celebrity judges for the contest and look at beautiful women without having stalking charges or a restraining order filed against us.  Many of us here were skeptical about the restraining order thing but Ranger Up assured us we were covered.

And with that we were in.

In addition you as readers can vote.  Click on the link below taking you to the contest and you’ll see that these women have to be avid supporters of the military. Another benefit is that by visiting through this link you’ve also been granted immunity from stalking accusations or prosecution.

You ladies out there need to vote too, this is representative government we’re putting our lives on the line for here.  So, yeah YOU TOO!

RANGER UP GIRL CONTEST

Now before you get too outraged about this, if you’re going to email me about how this is a terrible objectification of women.  Don’t.  I think I’ve adequately shown through my past history that I don’t care much for political correctness.  Also, my wife knows what I’m doing and she fully supports it, don’t try that tactic.  So give it a rest; put down your Yohoo; stop eating your cheetos and get out in public.  You’ll be OK trust me, if not, start reading the Taliban blogs instead.  You can see great ones at asskickedbyUS.com, or try, ieatboogers.com

So we’ve got the guns, Ranger Up has supplied the girls and you now get to exercise the right given to you by millions of troops; over the last 200 and something years.  Hit the link and vote for your favorite and strike a blow against the Taliban.  It’s your duty! 

A new unit just arrived here in our battle space.  I say “our” in that it’s the ANA’s country so it’s their battle space; I count the ETTs with the ANA.  Now, the commanders that arrive here continually refer to themselves as battle space owners, I’d advocate for a rebranding as battle space renter.  But, as in all good COIN fights the battle isn’t at the Battalion level it’s really with the individual soldier that interfaces and spends that most time with the Afghans.

Some of the soldiers that have arrived here have previous experience working with indigenous forces.  That experience is with the Iraqi Security Forces and I’ll borrow a line from my friend Troy at Bouhammer, “Afghanistan isn’t Iraq”.  The Afghans are much different than the Iraqis.  Troy, I’ll give the royalty check to Kesterson. 

These preconceived notions get in the way with them working, training and just generally interacting with the Afghans.  They call them “Haji” and are afraid of them.  Afraid may seem like a strong word to use here, but it accurately describes what I’ve seen.  Here’s an example.

The ETTs and CF move onto the ANA side of the FOB to get ready for a dismounted patrol into the local area.  As we walk onto the ANA side I hear the sound of 30 M4s being locked and loaded.  Look, we haven’t even gotten near leaving the FOB and these guys are locking their weapons.  What does that communicate to the ANA?   When I ask them why, they reply with various answers that all revolve around what if the ANA attack us.

So, the second front in the fight has emerged.  We as ETTs are in the middle, the ambassadors of goodwill, or as I like to say COINs Bob Hope Tour.  We need to breakdown the walls and get these guys together.  “Can’t we all just get along”?

Our Bob Hope Tour started at the basic level, MSG Famine began giving classes to the CF squads about COIN and what’s going on here, each Private needs to understand that they’re actions are pivotal in the COIN fight.  What we’ve seen is that the officers and senior NCOs get the classes but “Joe” gets ignored.  One more way that the US conventional force is missing how COIN works.  Joe, is the key interface with the populace and the Afghan National Security Force. 

Next, we started taking them over to the ANA for Chai and meals.  Many of you have already read my posts about Chai and it’s importance within the Afghan culture.  The initial response to this was poor only one squad leader wanted to bring his guys over and they were met with ridicule and called “Haji Lovers”.  But eventually we started seeing more interest.  I took some squad leaders over and got them some Nan-Afghan bread- to share with their squads.  Eventually, more guys expressed an interest.  I knew we were starting to win this phase of the fight when I overheard this exchange in the US chow hall.

“Dude, your squad is a bunch of Haji Lovers for going over there “ one Joe said to another

  “You know what man, they’re not Haji, they’re Afghan and these guys were beating up the Hajis centuries ago and then were kicking ass on the Russians.  So yeah, they’re pretty cool to hang out with” another Joe replied with a sense of pride.

Finally we started joint training with the US and ANA.  We started with the medics, what I’ve found is that generally the medics are a little more receptive and accepting.  So, my medic SSG Doc planned a mass casualty exercise (MASCAL) in which the Afghan medics would receive and triage the casualties, move them to the US Aid Station for joint stabilization and then the US and ANA would move them to the LZ for medevac.  The genius in this plan is that MASCAL requires the whole FOB to mobilize so the rest of the US Forces have no choice but to see the all the medics working together.

You know what it’s worked.  Since then we’ve had squads asking to go do PT with the ANA and do joint training with them.  We’ve got our foot in the door and it’s working.  We’re pushing back on the second front now too and like any Bob Hope show you can’t help but walk away happy.

During my incredibly arduous ETT training, that’s a joke by the way, no one ever mentioned the idea that we’d have to battle our own forces to start winning the COIN fight.  But it’s critical to start building that bond and breaking down those prejudices.  These guy will have to fight alongside each other at some point and you don’t want that being the first time they meet each other.

Nothing like a little Chai, Nan and a MASCAL to start the process.   

OPERATION: VAMPIRE PINK is coming soon, currently classified at the highest levels but soon to be briefed!  Just as a Warning Order we’re hoping to raise more money than our last effort in tribute to all of the spouses, daughters and mothers that support each and every serviceman deployed and serving.  The toughest job in the military is military family member!  Stand by!

As a heads up if you haven’t heard Blackfive is running a contest for the best unknown military blog, if you have a chance surf on over and take a look and vote for your favorite!  Blackfive Best Milblog You've Never Heard of there are some great guys out there.  Old Blue from Bill and Bob’s is my personal favorite but I’m biased because he’s a buddy of mine and the guy who really got me started.  I’m surfing over there today to vote for Old Blue!  So please take a little time surf over there and recognize these guys who are putting out some great info and sharing their experiences with the world.

Additionally, I have an article out in the April edition of Himal Southasia Magazine that you may be interested in reading.  My English teachers would find the idea abhorrent that I now have something published in a magazine.  See, Mr Chapman I’m not as dumb as I look; chalk up a minor victory for the underachiever!

In jujitsu there’s an action referred to as tapping out.  It’s when your opponent has reached a position that is so advantageous that you must submit.  You indicate this by tapping them or the mat three times.   If the Taliban could see this they would simply tap out!

A while ago I complained that the food here at the FOB was almost non-existent and of extremely poor quality.  Crap would be a generous term to describe its consistency, quality and desirability.  My buddy Troy, from Bouhammer, put out the call for support.  On top of that Soldiers Angels, Web of Support and Operation Cookiejar picked up the gauntlet to support us.  Let’s put it this way, tons and I mean tons of people started sending us stuff.

Now, let me step back for a second and put this into perspective.  I’m sure some of you by now are saying Vampire 06 has lost it and I have no idea where he’s going with this, well welcome to everyday of my wife’s life with me.  Most days she just watches me in pure wonder that I can function in the grown up world without hurting myself.

Operation Enduring Freedom has been going on for about eight years, and the war in Iraq for about six.  So the American public has been supporting a huge number of troops for quite a while.  Food, hygiene goods, movies, and books; lots of stuff has been sent to show deployed troops that the American public supports them.

Enter Team Vampire and our food dilemma. 

 It is ABSOLUTELY amazing the amount of stuff we’ve been sent.  As you can see from the photos below we could open a 7-11 in our house, in fact we received so much stuff that we’ve been passing it on to the rifle company located with us here on the FOB.  AND IT JUST KEEPS COMING!

I have two Romanian officers here with us and they’re shocked by all of this, they continually ask if we have to pay for any of this stuff.  When we say no, they skeptically ask, “So Americans you don’t know just send all this stuff to you”?

Yeah, Americans we know and don’t know send this stuff!

You've sent clothes, toys, books and a myriad of other items to us for the Afghan people and children we’re attempting to keep free.  We’ve tried to explain to some of the population where all of this stuff comes from but to them it’s totally beyond comprehension.  On most days it’s beyond our comprehension.

More people than I ever expected in my life purchased Team Vampire shirts to help us give back to Soldiers Angels.  I’m floored by the number of shirts we sold.  So many that they’re now on a several week back order.   

We have another plan up our collective sleeve coming in the near future to benefit another great organization.  Stay posted for that, it’s something near and dear to many of us and we hope to have a big impact.  More to come.

 So, where does the Taliban fit into this whole deal.  Well, if they could see the support that people give us they would think twice about our commitment to seeing this mission through here in Afghanistan.  Little did they know when they attacked us on September 11^th; that they would not only be fighting highly skilled and determined US troops but the American public themselves.

It's your support that humbles us so much, eight years later and so many people continue to take their time and resources to support us and the Afghans.  We can’t think of enough ways to say thank you for what you’ve all done for us. 

All that we can really say is that when we step off this FOB into battle we take each and every one of you with us.  Symbolized by the Stars and Stripes we wear on our right shoulder.  You’re here with us showing the entire world that the United States of America is the greatest country this planet has ever seen.

Thank you from Team Vampire and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

(P.S.  Mr Taliban that choking feeling you have right now is the American public with a rear naked choke on you.  Just tap now, before they really hurt you.  Really, just tap!)

There’s been a lot in the news lately about what “victory” in Afghanistan looks like.  I really don’t know, nor do I want to venture an opinion on that one.  People at much higher pay grades than mine can figure that one out.  All I can speak for is the little piece of Afghanistan that I share with my ANA and the local populace of Bermel.

I’ll tell you this; it’s little things.  Try to accomplish much more you’ll begin a slow circle of the drain leading to frustration and self induced psychosis.  What I’m about to tell you about is 5 kilometers.  That’s 3.1 miles, not very far.  But it might as well be a light year here.

When we arrived here the fighting season was drawing to a close.  The fighting season typically runs from late March to early December. Then snow shuts down the rugged passes used by the Taliban to enter into the country.  During the fighting season military operations focus on what’s termed as kinetic, meaning we focus on fighting the enemy directly.  As this time drew to a close we were somewhat at a loss for our next course of action.

We sat down and started brain storming for a direction in which to proceed.  As an ETT in a remote area we have quite a bit of leeway in determining our strategies.  We started with the central premise of counterinsurgency (COIN) warfare.  Separate the insurgents from the local populace.  How could we do this based upon the assets we had at our disposal?

I can’t claim sole responsibility for this course of action as it was developed by me and one of my CPTs here CPT Brain.  He’s an extremely intelligent, well read and insightful individual who was called out of the individual ready reserve to serve with us here in Afghanistan.  He’s doing great things for his country. 

We noticed that our contact with the enemy and their means of support ran along a north/south road.  What I’ll call the line of friction.  This is the best description that I can think of as it’s wasn’t open conflict all the time, thus friction seems better than conflict.  This line traced the western wall of the desolate valley in which we live.  Along this line lay the main villages and it served as the major travel corridor.  Our hope was to push this line farther to the east.

Next we analyzed our assets.  Obviously we had firepower but that didn’t accomplish what we hoped to do.  The best asset we had was humanitarian and medical assistance.  Tons of food, clothing, cooking oil and blankets were here on the FOB.  We also had a US aid station and an ANA aid station from which we could pull medics and medical supplies for use in the local area.  We saw these as our conduit to engage with the locals on a frequent and more direct basis allowing them to see the ANA as bringers of hope and not violence.

The timeframe to capitalize was limited.  We only had between December and late March while the ACM were out of the valley and couldn’t hinder our operations.  Thus, we needed to be out of the wire at least three times a week.  That doesn’t sound like much but planning and staging a military operation takes time.  It was a very high operational tempo to shoot for.

Our strategy consisted of two tasks in support of our overarching goal of population separation.  One, demonstrate that the Government of the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan could assist them materially and in conjunction with this conduct an information operations (IO) campaign.  Two, we try to gather intelligence on the local area and personalities in preparation for the upcoming fighting season.  All of this was focused on the line of friction.  We defined some criteria that would cause us to deviate from the line.  I won’t elaborate on those but we stuck to them and didn’t lose our focus.

We also decided on criteria that would cause us to go into kinetic operations.  Basically; this was self defense only; we would not chase the enemy.  We couldn’t allow the enemy to distract us from our task.  That may sound strange.  However insurgency warfare is theater in the round and often their attacks are conducted just to provoke a response which detracts from the greater purpose.

The single theme of our IO campaign was this, “The government is here supporting you during the winter and the ACM is not”.  It was as simple as that.  We didn’t deviate or elaborate and as the politicians like to say we always stayed on message. Simple to the point and undisputable.  The sub-governor, ANP, ANA and CF all communicated this message.  If we heard about someone sending a different message we sat down with them and discussed why they’d strayed off the message.  Everyone pounded this message into whoever we could anytime we could. 

Along with the IO; we brought all of the humanitarian assistance that we could find.  In fact many of you reading this sent us stuff.  We took anything that we could and at times used our own monies to buy firewood, food or cooking oil.  We didn’t care where it came from or what it looked like we took it out to the people.

Additionally we brought medics and medicine.  The CF and ANA medics along with our interpreters would see anyone who came, no matter what the injury or sickness.  We attempted to treat anyone; we even looked at some sick goats at one point.  We’d treat all comers!

The ANA established an SOP for putting these sites up.  It was painful and in the beginning there were some near riots, but we worked through it and got the method down.  The ANA also ensured that the materials were distributed directly to the people and not through the tribe elders.  This ensured that the people knew that the government had provided the materials.

During these operations we’d talk to the locals and build relationships.  We didn’t ask about ACM just about what was going on in the area, what their concerns were and how they thought the issues could best be addressed. We started mapping out the local tribes, their boundaries, learning their histories and any conflicts.   Additionally, we took pictures of villages and the surrounding terrain.  Nothing overt we’d just take snapshots that could be used in the future if we ever had to come back there on a kinetic mission.

So what did all of this get us?  It moved the main line of friction 5K to the east closer to the Pakistani border into the foothills of the mountains.  All of this for 5K.  We’ve moved to the doorstep of the ACM and now we’ll start working on those villages.  If the ACM stay in the mountains, so what?  Nobody lives there.

We now have no IEDs along the previous line and if someone does plant one we hear about it.  No rockets come from that area anymore.  Taliban safe houses have been moved.  Additionally, people stop by to talk to us when were out in the villages and even sometimes come to the FOB which is invaluable.  We know the local area and can discuss it in depth.   It seems that we’ve accomplished most of our goals.

Did we come up with anything revolutionary? No.  What we decided to do is written down in plenty of books and field manuals.  We just took the leap and decided to conduct unsexy, non-spectacular and at times very boring operations in support of the local populace.  The temptation was there; to revert back to just killing the enemy, however we resisted.  We’re not geniuses.  We just made a choice, developed a plan and stuck to it.

So what does victory in Afghanistan look like?  5K of desert floor, it ain’t much to look at; but we got it back for the Afghan people!

Dear Mr Taliban (ACM, AAF, Booger Eater, EOP, Bad Guy or whatever),

Over time I’ve received emails and comments on this blog that I’m insensitive to your culture.  Evidently, I should endeavor to be more tolerant and politically correct in my quest to kill you with every means at my disposal. 

After much self reflection I’ve seen the error in my ways and thought I’d write you a brief note to apologize for my actions and those of my compatriots in Team Vampire.  I now see how my attempts to incinerate, ventilate and generally cause mayhem could possible hurt your feelings and offend your sensibilities.  For that I apologize.

First, let me complement you on the bunker complex that we saw the other day.  It seemed very nice and looked like you’d chosen wisely on the size.  It appears to me that you didn’t overextend yourself financially building it.  That’s great! I also hope that you didn’t use a subprime lender or an adjustable rate mortgage.  This should alleviate any issues in the future about defaulting; having to walk away from the bunker complex.

The downside is that you selected this outstanding piece of real estate to launch rockets at American and Afghan soldiers.  Thus, I had to destroy it.  Maybe we should have served you with a notice to vacate but that didn’t seem prudent at the time.  Really if you want to blame someone it should be the Air Force as they’re the ones that actually dropped the bombs.  But, seeing as I’m a personal accountability guy I’ll take the blame for it.  Sorry.

I also, thought that your headquarters were nice.  Blowing it up on Christmas Eve may have seemed arbitrary and unfair.  I can see how you’d think that.  Really, let’s try to be honest with each other.  Is there really a good day to have your building blown up?  I don’t think there is.  I also now realize that you don’t celebrate Christmas so the holiday season had minimal impact on you. 

It did for me as I have a family at home who I’d rather be with; instead hunting you through the mountains.  However, I’m here so it seemed like a good thing to do for the holidays.  I may not see you on the 4^th of July so I thought it best to have fireworks for Christmas.  I empathize with you now that it may have been inconvenient for you.  Once again sorry.

These people have pointed out for me that my culture is different from yours and that just because it’s different it’s not bad.  I guess there may be some upside to throwing acid in little girl’s faces when they try to go to school, I just don’t see it though.  I think I’d prefer to build schools for them and protect them as they learn to read and write.  This probably offends you and my new life course shows me that I need to see the positives in everyone.  If you’d like to explain this to me, I’d like to hear it.

It also may be confusing to you when I broke down your door in the middle of the night and arrested you for killing your fellow countrymen.  This probably disrupts your sleep and thus you’re tired once you reach detention.  In the future I’ll try to schedule these at times better suited to your rest cycle. 

As far as the Geneva Convention goes, I have to follow it.  This is nonnegotiable.  Your actions though lead me to believe that you’d prefer to have your head cut off on the internet.  This is what you do to anyone you capture, combatant or non combatant.  I can’t accommodate this desire.  I apologize for the fact that you’ll be given medical treatment and treated with dignity.  Again I apologize profusely.   

I’d also like to clear up some reasons why I’m here.  There may be some confusion about this from all the claims swirling around in the news.  Let me take you back about eight years when you were letting Osama chill out here.

“We should crash some planes into the World Trade Center” Osama suggested tentatively

“Gee Osama, won’t that piss off the Americans”?  You must have asked.

“Yes” Osama stated with glee.

“They’ll probably come here and jack us up” you replied.

“No way bro, they’ll never come here and do anything to us” Osama claimed confidentially.

“Um; I don’t think that’s right, they’ll probably come here and be pretty pissed off” attempting to dissuade him.

“Don’t worry about it they’ll never do anything, you’re a nervous nelly” OBL replied dismissively

I hate to tell you this but you were right.  It did piss us off and now Osama lives in some cave, can’t use a cell phone or email and craps his pants every time he hears an airplane.  I know the nervous tick crapping is annoying but it’ll clear up once we kill him. 

You should have gone with your gut and said no.  Once we got here we decided it’s not that great that you kill and subjugate people and thus you’ve got me in your backyard.  I really can’t take responsibility for your poor judgment on this one.  But, I understand it was a persuasive discussion.   Thought this might assist in a little self discovery.  I’m a giver after all.

I won’t even go into the way you treat women.  You’re just lucky it’s not my wife here because if you think I’m determined; she would lay waste to your ass and never stop.  So, I did you a favor on that one.  See, I can be nice.

Well, I just wanted to touch base with you on a couple of perceived issues and apologize for my poor behavior.  In the future I’ll try to be more understanding as I hunt you to the ends of the earth and destroy you any chance I get.  It will be with kindness and understanding.

If you’d like to discuss and resolve any of these issues just send me a grid to your location and I’ll be happy to meet you; or I could arrange for a delivery from the US Air Force it you’d prefer that.  I can accommodate most requests.

So, have a great day. But don’t sleep too soundly because that noise you hear in the night may just be me.  Oh yeah, if you ever get tired of picking on little girls or civilians you can come find us, but that might not be culturally sensitive.

Bottom line, I just want to say I’m sorry.  Next time I shoot at you; it’s with love!

Sincerely,

VAMPIRE 06

mutt (noun)- a dog, especially a mongrel

mongrel (noun)-

I’m a mutt soldier.  No if, ands or buts about it.  I’m definitely a cross of breeds and variety.  Before I get to my explanation let me illuminate how I arrived at this conclusion.  Which by the way was inevitable.  I’ll explain that too. 

Recently, I spent some time reading through the past posts of two of my favorite blogs.  Both of whom happen to be former ETTs, not that I’m biased.  Bouhammer and Bill and Bob’s Excellent Afghan Adventure.  A normal blogger would insert a hyper link here to those blogs but I will probably screw that up crashing this post and pissing myself off.  So check them out on my blogroll, I highly recommend them, you won’t be sorry and you’ll see what I’m talking about.  But I digress.

After reading through Troy and Old Blues posts I realized that I experience the same things they did when they were here.  No DUH!  I’m mean specifically with respect to our mission and where we fit with the coalition and as the Army as a whole.   We endured the same struggles; we just don’t quite fit anywhere.

I was suddenly resigned to the inevitability of this conclusion after we watched Lawrence of Arabia the other evening.  By the way a great movie about Combat Advising.  No, we didn’t watch it all in one night wasting your tax money.  Well; in one scene Lawrence has returned from the desert after capturing Aqaba and is thrown out of the officer’s mess because of his Arab dress and demeanor.   Then the epiphany hit, each and every one of us who’s been a Combat Advisor reaches this moment.  Sometimes it’s thrust upon us and other times we reach it on our own.  

Now being a mutt isn’t bad when I was an innocent child, my parents are rolling their eyes at this one.  My family had a mutt dog named Sweetness.  This was a dichotomy if ever one existed as this dog was fast and mean as hell.  Not to anyone in our family but if you were a stranger then you’d better watch the hell out she would destroy stuff and there was no getting away from her.  So, there are merits.

ETTs are mutts because they just don’t fit anywhere.

We are not Special Forces soldiers though we execute a traditional SF mission.  Foreign Internal Defense was the founding paradigm behind SF and they’ve now relinquished it to ETTs.  They’d prefer the much sexier mission of direct action versus training foreign armies.  An SF soldier gets about 18 months worth of training and goes through a special selection process to ensure that he’s the right fit for training foreign militaries which they don’t really do anymore. 

ETTs get two months training and are selected from the force with no pre-screening.  As many have advocated, Troy, Old Blue, John Nagl and myself there must be some type of pre-screening put in place. Not all personalities work for this mission.  Our training consists of limited COIN and weapons.  Then we’re unleashed upon the Afghans to bring havoc or success.

I think SF will eventually regret this decision and try to retake the FID mission, but it seems the horse is out of the barn.  The Army has figured out they can do it much cheaper and easier with ETTs.  Suddenly the investment to train an SF soldier doesn’t seem worth it.  I’m not advocating the elimination of SF I’m just stating that they’ve ceded their main mission.  ETTs hearken back to the Vietnam days of SF.

Picture it this way you go hunting with your buddies bringing your highly prized, small fortune to buy and train Lab.  Your buddy brings some dog that he got for free at the pound; unsure of the exact breed or mental stability of the dog.  An apt description of an ETT.   And the pound puppy keeps getting to the birds first and bringing them back.  You don’t feel so hot about your expensive dog.

ETTs also aren’t conventional coalition soldiers either. We operate on our own with limited supplies and combat support.  The coalition has no idea what we are.  In fact my team and I have been referred to as psychotic, cowboys and unhinged by our fellow US soldiers.    Just for the fact that we’re willing to operate outside the wire vastly outnumbered by the Afghans we mentor. We venture beyond the confines of the FOB much more frequently than our CF brothers.  We speak Dari/ Pasto and eat with the Afghans, we don’t look or act like CF.

We have no logistics or admin tail.  We don’t belong or report to the CF but we’re dependent upon them for logistical support and what we call effects; CAS, artillery and attack aviation.  Our own chain is unsure of where they fit and thus have chosen by all appearances to leave us to fend for ourselves.  My NCOs are the master scroungers of the FOB.  If it’s not secured they will figure out a use for it.

So where do we fit?  John Nagl, author of Learning to Eat Soup with a Knife, has advocated for a standing advisor corps.  Which I support.  This is a valuable skill and we have a vast untapped resource in people who’ve successfully accomplished the mission for use in future missions and training future ETTs.  The idea though has been opposed by what seems to be the SF community as it begs the question; if we’ve got a Combat Advisor Corps then why do we need SF?  I think this one is doomed from the start.

We’re comfortable and proud of our mutt status and there is no fit right now for ETTs.  Maybe there will be in the future but as of now no.  Nobody expects much of a mutt and then he starts whooping the pure breeds at their game.  Then people take notice.  Until that time we’ll continue to suffer the bewildered questions and looks of our fellow US soldiers.  That sort of awe, wonder and pity that goes with being an ETT. 

The ANA look at us as they move by with pity, they’re well aware of how much the equipment we’re carrying weighs.  Several of them have tried our equipment on prior to this and been shocked.  We have failed to grasp the lessons of medieval knights.  Mobility vs armor.  I am also 20 years older than many of them.  My Afghan counterpart, the Kandak XO , chose to remain back at the vehicles 2000 ft below us.  He informed me that he felt it was most advantageous to command from below upon realizing I was serious about scrambling up here.

Now, I’m at 9000 ft and moving backwards with each step forward as I slide through the broken rocks.  CPT Brain is carrying even more than I as he has an FM radio in his ruck.  I offered to carry it but he declined.  I suspect out of fear that everyone would razz him about me humping the radio and being older.

The patrol has gradually thinned as we continue our expedition.  Below us bodies are littered along the line of march leaning against small trees and rocks attempting to wring any amount of oxygen out of the air.  Even the Afghans are falling out at this point.  The ANA refer to American soldiers as robots, due to the fact that we never stop, despite the heat, cold or altitude and the immense loads we carry.  We pray to die sometimes but never stop.

We reach a rocky ledge overlooking our vehicles and pause for a moment.  I think I’d be in pain right now but I’m high from hypoxia.  Kind of like High School, but that’s another story.  CPT Brain and I consult and agree that he’ll stay here and relay over the radio and I’ll move farther up on the mountain with one of our Terps. 

The mission that brought us here was a Movement to Contact.  Basically it means you set out trying to get in a fight.  It’s the military equivalent of shoving someone in a bar.  Prior to today, CF forces had been in contact with the ACM near here and we’ve come to see if we can bite a piece off of the ACM.

I continue on; working my way up and around the top of the mountain in order to observe a valley and ridge to our north.   My brain continues to tell me to stop; luckily I damaged a lot of brain cells in college so the message isn’t too loud or convincing.  Up I go.

Reaching an outcropping near the summit, I flop down doing my best imitation of a goldfish out of water.  I reach into my vest and pull out my binos; starting to scan the ridge to our north.  I see nothing due to the fact that my hands are shaking so violently that I almost give myself motion sickness.  I try to slow my breathing and gather myself, it always important to look very cool no matter what in the Army.  I’m doing a poor job of it right now.  Danica Patrick is not pushing me hard enough on the elliptical trainer despite her loathing for me.

My breathing slows and I start to scan.  And what to my wondering eyes should appear but two booger eaters on the far ridge, booger eater is our new derogatory term for the enemy.  Once again please don’t comment about my cultural sensitivity, I know it’s insensitive to call them booger eaters.  But, I know they call us some derogatory names too.  What fun is war if you can’t make up names about your enemy.

They look at me and I them across the valley; a distance of about 2 kilometers.  We stare at each other through binoculars for a couple of seconds and then they move into a bunker.  They seem unconcerned because of the valley separating us believing it keeps them safe.  Oh, silly rabbit but I have two F-15s.

I move back down to CPT Brain and get on the radio calling the CAS; telling them what I see and asking them to take a look.  They overfly the area and confirm what I’ve seen.  By the way, now the booger eaters are running around because they can hear the jets.  The pilot calls and asks what I want to do. 

“Smoke them” I reply.  Not really but that’s what I was thinking and it sounds a lot cooler than going through the steps of a nine line call.

“Roger that, we’re going to release one 2000 pounder and three 500 pounders in this pass” he replies.  All pilots sound like Chuck Yeager.

“Roger, I have eyes on point of impact” I radio back.  I wish I sounded like John Wayne but I think I sounded more like a couch potato in the middle of an aerobics class wheezing away.

“Weapons release in 30 seconds” the pilot tells me. 

“Dude, standby this is going to be big” I tell CPT Brain.  We’re both giddy at the idea of 3500 lbs of high explosive hitting something.  Little kids waiting for the door to open on Halloween and yell Trick or Treat.  Unfortunately for them it’s Trick.

“Weapons away” as the jets scream overhead harbingers of what’s to come.

And we wait.

“Dude, what the?   Where the hell is the explosion?”  We look at each other disappointed that our Fourth of July show has fizzled.  “I thought it’d be really big” I comment downfallen.

KABOOOOOOOOM!  As massive blast rips through the air and orange flames shoot off the opposite ridge.

“Hell YEAH, that was awesome” I shout.

“We have good impact and full detonation, no secondaries observed at this time”, I radio the pilots as they pull off station.  “Thanks for your help and have a good day”!

At this point I’m  pretty darn happy with the days production.  Then the artillery fire direction center calls us and tells us that they’re shooting a fire mission at the same grid to follow up on the CAS. 

“Roger, I will adjust” I call back.  The first round is on target, no adjustments and more rounds follow.

The rounds rip through the sky headed toward the ridge impacting all along it.  Those boys over there are having one heck of a bad day, I predict it’s their last day.  Rounds continue to impact tearing the ground apart.  Suddenly we see huge secondary explosions, meaning we’ve hit either their rocket or mortar dump.  That means they can’t be shot at us later.  Ah yeah, it’s business time! 

The fire mission ends and we begin our slow march down the mountain, excited by the fact that today we did our jobs successfully.  Slipping and sliding our way back to our vehicles for the long convoy back to the FOB.  Another day in Afghanistan down and many more to go.